Blogs are often times topics that are close and near to the heart of the creator. Blogs are also often times what the person that writes the blog is personally dealing with at the moment.
So with that in mind I am going to be really transparent and open.
I just moved to Utah. The last few months have been hell. One obstacle after another. It all started in November when my wife was visiting Utah and announced she found a home for us to buy. Her and my daughter actually found it and decided that it was time for us to move. So before I knew what was going on we were packing and preparing to move out of a home that we had lived in for 28 years.
For me it was really hard to leave a history so intrenched into my heart behind. Actually a life time of history to leave behind. My support friends, my community, left behind. In the process of moving I also lost my base income and basically am having to start all over again.
To top it all off I turned 60 recently. Words cannot express how depressed I have been about turning 60. Turning 60, in a totally different city, without work to pay for a new mortgage payment, different community, insecurities, to say the least it has been and is overwhelming.
Turning 60 has filled me with so many feelings. From failure to hopelessness, I have been totally overwhelmed and overcome with depression and anxiety about the past, present, and the future.
You, I hope, understand the feeling when you wake up and are consumed with feeling of being a total failure. It just consumes your heart and soul and you just cannot talk it away. It’s not a feeling you asked for or can control. It is just there, overwhelming and all consuming.
My feelings of failure have a lot to do with just about everything. From my marriage, children, and career. Mostly career, but it all seems to work together. I can’t really share it with others because most try to tell me that I am not a failure and they tell me to just be happy. I get where they are coming from but sometimes it would be nice for someone to validate how I feel and not try to make me see that I am ok. I don’t feel ok, I feel worthless. Nothing anyone can say or do can change it.
One of the hardest things for me to deal with is that I have been trained that I am supposed to go to God and it will be ok. I don’t believe that. I think that sometimes it won’t be ok And when it’s not ok I am filled with shame and quilt that I cannot make it better and I feel horrible that I am perhaps even a bit angry at God for having to struggle and deal with it all.
So how do I deal with it all? Some days I just shut down and stop. Some days I act out by following some of my addictions. Like buying a pound of See’s candies and eating them all in one day or less. I shut others out. I self medicate and isolate. I struggle to have hope and see the light. I disappear in meaningless things and hide out doing tasks that have no value.
That was the down side, but on the other side of the coin I try and fight with all my heart to serve and reach out to others. One of my favorite things to do is to bake bread and take it out to feed the neighbors. I force myself to do constructive things. I make list and try to follow them. Even if I don’t know what to do I have found that just doing something is better than doing nothing. So I press forward.
Does it work? No, but I keep moving forward. Hoping, hoping, hoping, that the Overwhelming Cycle of Change will indeed change and bring the peace I need.
Change is a Cycle and I have learned that it always changes and life moves forward. Being down is a temporary thing, temporary can be short or long, it all depends on what we need to learn and gain from the experiences we are having. This one seems to be a long one, and it certainly is a hard one.
But as the Cycle of Change has shown me time and time again the moment passes and eventually is replaced with peace and understanding. I guess it is ok to be angry with God if I keep looking to him and seeking his direction. Angry and moving away from him is perhaps the worst thing I can do. Angry and moving towards him will eventually strengthen my relationship with him. He understands my anger. I think he expects it, because he understand it will pass as I continue to look to him. I will eventually come understand the wisdom of what he is putting me through or what I am putting myself through.
So life sucks sometimes. I don’t have the answers and I don’t know what to do most of the time. But I will press forward and not give up. Hoping that tomorrow or day after tomorrow or sometime soon the Cycle will Change and peace will once again come into my life and the pains wills pass.
Enjoy the journey.