Defining Moments

Those Life Changing Defining Moments

I recently went to an event and the presenter shared the defining moment in his life that has had a lifelong impact. It was powerful to see how circumstances often beyond our control can have such an impact on the direction of our lives. Defining moments are those experiences that shape and mold us. Those moments do not always mold us in positive ways but they do shape us in some form.

Defining moments can either build or destroy, changing the path of our lives in unexpected ways. I have experienced both being impacted negatively and positively. Both of the experiences I will share had to do mostly with my dad. I had many negative experiences with him that had a lasting impact on my life and I am still working on changing them or overcoming the impact that they had on me.

The first defining experience was when I was about 12 years old. One day as I was playing with my little brother, my father entered the room and out of frustration for things beyond my control he lashed out at me and literally threw me across the room telling me that I was a girl in a boys body and one day I would wake up and be a girl and that was just what I wanted. Wow, can you imagine? From that moment on, I told myself so many stories about that experience. I have questioned my worth countless times and I have questioned who I really am. Most of all, at the time and throughout much of my life, I questioned his love for me.

I would have to say that I questioned my value as a boy or man most of all. I knew at that moment he didn't love me and as I look back on that experience I know for sure he did not understand me.

The second defining moment happened not too long after the first one. I overheard a conversation he had with my mother. He told her that out of all the children I was the one that would be the druggie, alcoholic, etc. The first experience confirmed that he didn't love me and this one confirmed to me that at that moment I hated him. I realized he had no clue who I was or what I thought.

Those two moments totally validated my own feelings of having no value. I think the reason I hated him was that he didn't love me and it was easier to hate him than to feel the pain of not being loved.

Most often it seems to me that when we have those defining moments we seldom have the opportunity to discuss them with the person or persons that was instrumental in creating the moment. I asked the presenter at the event I was recently at if he ever had the opportunity to discuss what happened in his life with the key persons involved in his defining moment. He told me that it was never discussed or talked about again. Sadly, I believe that happens a lot. I was discussing this with my sister and she had some great insight on the thought. She mentioned the shame and guilt felt by the offender often keeps them from ever talking about it. I agree.

Although I grew to love my dad over the years and I came to understand partly why he did the things he did. I was not what he wanted for a child. He was a cowboy to the core and to have a son not the same as him was an embarrassment and more then he wanted to handle. He had no clue how to deal with a child or love a child that was not one bit like him.

I wish with all my heart that sometime before he had died that we would have had the opportunity to actually have talked about it. I would love to know what was really going on in his mind and heart. Did he even realize what I went through because of his actions? Was he lashing out at me or taking out on me other frustrations in life? I have so many questions and he is not here now to answer them. Maybe it is as frustrating for him as it is for me that we cannot discuss my defining moments.

I had another defining moment when he died. This was one of the moments where perfect clarity comes into focus. I was at his funeral service and as I listened to all the accolades they were giving him from younger siblings and grandkids, I was actually kind of mad. Who was this man and why didn't I have the same experience with him as they were sharing? It was like they were talking about someone else. I am grateful that they had the experience with him that I never had. But, it was at that moment I realized that the most important part of life is “overcoming others’ becoming.”

Meaning, my dad was trying to deal with not having a father and being abandoned by his mother. He was working on overcoming and I was a detriment to his becoming. I realized that my dad had become what they were all talking about. He spent his life overcoming others, and he had finally become. The hard thing is that I have spent most of my life overcoming his becoming. Defining moments often come from what others are suffering. Both of my defining moments came from a time when my father was at his worst. He was dealing with a divorce and family being torn apart. I have since learned that he resented my being so much like my mom and I believe he took out his hurt and frustration on me.

His actions totally changed the course of my life. It has taken me years to understand and overcome the damage done in a few short minutes of someone’s anger and frustration. As I understand the principle of overcoming to become, I am able to offer him grace and move forward with joy from all the experiences of my defining moments.

A few years ago I attended an event that had several positive defining moments for me. One experience in particular showed me that “from our greatest wounds come our greatest gold”. It was at that moment I was really for the first time able to let go of the past and embrace the gold my wounds had produced. The gold is essentially the lessons learned from the pain we suffer and endure. Understanding that was a positive life changing defining moment for me. That experience helped me to see how God works with His children in molding and creating something wonderful to bless others to find the gold in their negative defining moments of life. I am grateful for the gold that has come to me through my experiences. I am able to help mentor those who have debilitating defining moments to find their gold.

As we share the gold of all our defining moments, the value of that gold increases beyond what we can understand. It becomes the most valuable resource we have at our disposal. We can spend it freely and it just keeps growing in value and worth.

I challenge you to take a moment in your life and ponder how your defining moments have or could bless those around you. Maybe they are something you are still working through. If that is the case, keep pressing forward, knowing the gold will come and with that gold will come life changing opportunities to bless others.

Have a Wonderful Life Moment Defining Day

Brad~Certified Life Coach and Mentor